Trying out the roller coaster…

When you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.  Well the same goes if you have SO much good to report.  I haven’t written in probably one of my longest stretches since I started this blog.  I’m back from vacation and my mini hiatus with so much on my mind, good and bad.  It’s time to put it all in perspective.

The last you heard from me was right before we left on vacation.  I was jumping out of my skin.  It couldn’t come fast enough.  And then finally it was here… the vacation of our dreams…

Three weeks of amazingness followed.  Our vacation was the stuff of a magical, life altering experience.  I still can’t believe it all happened and that Hubs and I made it happen.  We did it.  We took a gondola ride on the Grand Canal.  We went to Murano Island. We ate at the Central Market in Florence.  We took a cooking class in Italy.  We climbed the Duomo. We ate Florentine steak. We saw the Sistine Chapel.  We ate amatriciana like it was our job. We went to a million museums.  We drank limoncello on the Amalfi Coast.  We had lunch on the coast of Positano.  We lived for Santorini.  We climbed up and down a million stairs, some of them covered in donkey shit.  We drove a teeny car to Oia and watched the sunset.  We saw my family in Nea Makri. We spent quality time with them, talking, drinking Vinsanto, eating and going to the beach.  We had time. We made it to these places we always dreamed of.  We ate there. We climbed that.  We bought that there.  We learned about these cultures. We made memories. It really changed the both of us and it brought us a greater appreciation of not only what we had there but what we have in general.  We are trying to appreciate all that we have, relax, and enjoy more; oh and cook like they do over there.  I hope we can hold on to our new mantras  and make one kick ass photo book documenting all of our adventures. Most of all, I hope this was not the last time I see those beautiful sites.

After three weeks, we were ready to come home but it was so hard to say goodbye to my family in Greece, not knowing when I would see them next.  They are amazing people and we were so lucky to have time with them.  We had a few days to recover from jet lag before returning to the trenches of full-time work.  Readjusting to eating and working back at home was tough.  Everything tastes different and our body clocks were all crazy like. Nothing is as delicious unless we make it ourselves.  We’ve been spoiled.  It’s official: I will never find grape leaves as delicious as my Aunt’s!

Right away, Hubs had a medical issue we had to take care of.  I always think the worst and worried even after they said he would be fine.  Thank goodness. I had weddings to perform and finish writing and planned to release my album plus open my Etsy shop.  Hubs is studying for a test and updating our kitchen with new cabinets.  We’re preparing to sell our home and move so we have more room to have a family. It’s hectic over here. as always.  I like it that way and don’t really know how to not be busy.  I feel like if I have time to waste, I waste it sitting on my ass so I like being on the go, having a destination.

If you’ve read my blog, you’ve read about my dreams of children, family, houses, and singing.  These beautiful European cities were the perfect distraction for NOT thinking about all the things I wanted next, roller coaster pumping adrenaline to make us happy and forget our worries.  It really did the trick; how could it not? It was Europe.

When we arrived home, I told myself not to panic, not to worry, to stay calm, to have faith, to relish in all the fun we just had, to live in the moment like we did in Europe.  Everything would all fall into place, right?  And just like that, I lost my zen.

It happened about 3 weeks after we got home; one random night after working a 12 hour shift, the novelty of vacation wore off and PMS overcame me.  My slipped disc reared its ugly head in the worst way and I was in pain and very tense. I lost my mind on my poor, patient husband.  I started crying and venting about not being able to sell our home.  We don’t even have it on the market and I’m panicking, letting all the stress collecting in my shoulder/neck out for Hubs to see. We’ve tried selling before and it didn’t work out; it was terribly stressful for us and I worry.  Then we got to the heart of my panic.

I poured my heart out to my husband about the strain of being a woman with a very loud biological clock.  The world tells women that our childbearing years dwindle after 35.  I’m not going to lie and say that I have not let this affect me for the last several years, but I’ve pushed it quietly aside. I want children. I never thought I would be able to say I’m ready like I am right now. I liked being able to choose when I have them. Up until now it’s been in my control to NOT have them.  Now that I want them I feel like they are completely out of reach.  I no longer can look at a mother and baby for fear that I will burst into tears. I no longer grab for a baby right away because I’m afraid I’ll feel too much, want too much. It doesn’t help that everyone around me has children. When did this happen to me? I don’t WANT to feel this way. When did this happen to my body?  I feel like it’s yelling at me, aching for a child that up until just now I wasn’t ready for. I never thought that would be me as I cried and carried on, triggered by nothing.  We haven’t even tried for a baby yet and I’m worried about SIDS, miscarriages, and infertility.  I’m a ranting, raving, Marissa Tomei, toe tapping, biological clock touting weirdo.  Awesome.

Then the big blow came. My amazing friends who I’ve been working on my album with called me to break the bad news.  Everything we had recorded and been working on for our album was lost in a hard drive fail.  Their 5 month old computer up and died and along with it went my faith. Why? After months of hemming and hawwing with me over songs and arrangements, my poor friends had lost their time and work.  It breaks my heart to think how much they lost too. Everything is wiped clean and we have to start close to fresh.  I’m still so sad over the whole thing but what can I do but try to move forward? It has to be put on hold for a bit but I feel like I failed at something I vowed to do.

So what did I learn from all of this? I have always been a big proponent of the theory that everything happens for a reason.  Karma- what goes around, comes around. I’m a good person. I work hard. I treat people with respect. I love hard and show it often. I even recycle. I have to hope it all comes back around. The roller coaster we have been on recently is just incredible, highs and lows alike.  I want to say I will conquer it all. I will do it.  Right now, I’m trying and that has to be good enough.

I have to look at everything as a learning experience, and I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons lately.  I have to let go.  I have to let it all happen as it will, as it is supposed to.  I have to be present and see what happens now as opposed to worrying about what happens next. What I want to do is remember the water of the Amalfi Coast and the Aegean Sea surrounded Santorini’s gorgeous caldera.  I want to remember living in those moments, closing my eyes and breathing it all in.  I want to remember when I didn’t have anxiety from my head to my heels. How far away the isles of Greece seem… but I take all of their lessons with me.

And when I can, I’ll make something happen. I’ll try, one day, one moment at a time.




One response

  1. Pingback: I’ll take Comfort and Joy, please! | Keep Calm and Cari ON

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