It’s exciting and exhilarating to think that I’m growing a tiny human.  For many women it’s not easy getting here. Let’s talk about the most agonizing thing about conception.

TWW= Two Week Wait.  For those of you not dealing with ovulation and fertility fun stuff, the two week wait is two weeks from your last ovulation.  Basically, you try to have a baby with your significant other and then have to wait until a magical pee stick says yes, you are indeed knocked up! This window is a time of angst, anxiety and impatience for some.  You want to pee on a stick and have it tell you the answer to your prayers, but if you don’t wait, you will just get bad news even if the news really is great.  You have to wait it out.

After months of research preparing to start trying to have a baby, I had plenty of time to learn conception lingo.  I trolled all of the pregnancy and fertility message boards and chats. There are shortcuts and nicknames for just about everything.

Here are a few important ones I discovered along the way:

DH, DS, DD: Dear Husband, Dear Son, Dear Daughter

AF: Aunt Flo

DPO: Days post ovulation

BFP: Big Fat Positive

BFN: Big Fat Negative

OPK: Ovulation Prediction Kit

HPT: Home Pregnancy Test

And of course…

TWW: Two Week Wait

But I’m making up a new one!

MB

AKA

Message Boards!

You’ll see why! But let’s try an example: OMG i just got AF and DH is going to be super sad.  I will keep taking HPTs until I get my BFP! My OPK says to try this many DPO. 

For me, I didn’t even consider the torturous pain of waiting two weeks to find out because I have a confession to make: I might just be the most impatient person ever.

Perhaps.

Maybe.

Yeah, definitely.

So Hubs and I try to have a baby. Hooray! Yay!  Finally, with a great ‘let’s see what happens’ attitude.

Soon after I start taking tests, convincing myself that it would magically be positive early because I’m just that lucky.  I was definitely kidding myself.  I took tests every other day because I had gotten a ton of them with an ovulation kit. (Go Amazon!)  BFNs. I mean, hello I had to wait but alas I convinced myself that I would be the exception to the rule; I might just be THAT fertile. I could be the girl to win the Oscar, score the goal and get the BFP! I started reading everything not nailed down about when people found out and how long their TWW really was.  Message boards became my game.

Treading those boards as a 30 something woman made me feel ancient.  I was amazed how many woman go online as an outlet since they felt they couldn’t share anything with the masses just yet.  I was amazed at how young some of these women were.  I was amazed by how little they knew of their bodies.  Finally I was amazed by how much I learned and read, and that might NOT be a good thing.

The first month I pinpointed my ovulation and everything seemed to work well.  I was convinced I was pregnant.  I was so sick.  My breasts hurt to put a bra on.  I dry heaved every day post ovulation.  I had an unknown ear infection and was starving.  I was bloated and fatigued, had severe cramps and I just felt different.  I was at work and was afraid I was going to throw up on the desk.   I started googling symptoms and found Pandora’s box of musings, questions, and crazy talk on these message boards.  Some were very helpful and down to earth, but so many posts became polluted with women who just knew nothing about their bodies and made up symptoms to convince themselves they were pregnant.  I kept reading and started convincing myself.  How could I not?  I had everything these ladies had and they were pregnant, getting their long awaited and high anticipated BFPs.

I tested myself again when I got home, more to convince myself that I wasn’t with child.  I literally wanted to test until it came out positive and that is exactly what I did.  I thought if I willed the test it would finally show me the result I wanted to see.  If I prayed hard enough, that HCG hormone would show up!  I would get my BFP!

The more I read on these boards, the more I convinced myself that yes I was pregnant, no I was not, or maybe…..  It took seeing some BFNs to realize that no you are not pregnant.  Game over this month.  I turned to the boards again.

What I realized most was that these sites might be full of malarchy.  They might be full of absolutely bonkers ideas, but they are actually pretty damn great just when you need them to be.  They are a sounding board for someone who doesn’t want to share yet, who doesn’t know who to talk to about this, who might be harboring some secret heartache.  They are supportive, a cheerleading squad of fellow mommys and mommys to be.  I admit I rolled my eyes at many posts but I went looking for answers and comfort and that is what i found.  Whether right or wrong, it gave me what I needed at the time and that was all I could ask for.  The heartbreak of some women was apparent.  Their years of constant struggle made me hopeful that if not this month, then the next.  I hadn’t been through what they had but I felt for them. These boards gave me hope. They gave other people hope and sometimes that’s all you need.

I was lucky.  After months of being told conceiving might be a challenge, these boards put my mind at ease.  They helped me relax.  They helped me wait.  They offered support before I even needed it.

And that first month a miracle happened: a BIG FAT POSITIVE.