I think we can all agree that this winter has been a rough one in the Northeast.  I myself have become a hermit alongside my husband.  Our heated mattress pad has been our best friend. I haven’t written this blog for weeks; I have spring fever like whoa. Hubs and I have really been trying to distract ourselves from all of our goals that we’re “waiting” on, the things we have no control over and have to be patient about. We’ve been having tons of fun distracting ourselves though with vacations, dinners out, and binge watching on Netflix.  Most days I dare not think about the big things we have cooking for our life together because if I do, I’m sure they will all end in the same kind of sobby mess that occurred just a few weeks back.  The aftermath? I just can’t stop myself from embracing my Type A personality and starting to plan.   But I’m way ahead of myself.  It all began with my other husband….

And by other husband, I mean my work husband.  His family has a doggy named Porgy whom we love and adore.  Since his family was going on vacay in April, Hubs and I offered to watch the little bundle of puppy joy for a week.  Hubs never had a puppy growing up and I only had a dog on the weekends at my Dad’s house.  This was our test. We wanted to see if a puppy was something we wanted in the future.  We were excited about having this little guy come and stay with us. I mean, come on- look at dat face!

They dropped off our little friend on a Friday and we did what any obsessive foster parents would do.  We gave him most of our bed and fed him lots of treats until he adored us.  We took pictures of every adorable thing he did.  We got so excited every time he cuddled with us and got excited to see us. Our hearts broke when we left him cooped up while we were at work. We saw the light of day again by taking him for walks and were so excited to spend time together with our little buddy. We are dog people.

When my work husband, his partner, and his foster son came to pick up Porgy, Hubs and I were distraught and sad.  We joked about stealing him so much that I think that if my work husband didn’t know us so well, he would have been frightened.  Pupnapping! We were so in love with this little guy and watching him leave pointed right at the humongous elephant in the room.  What were we doing? What are we waiting for?  What happens next in our lives? My type A-ness took off on a sprint.

Having this adorable puppy for a week made me want a dog. We want a dog when we get a house. We can’t get a house until we sell our condo.  Guess what we wanted next? Oh, a tiny human.  Baby fever ensued. I can’t have a baby until we buy a house. We can’t buy a house until we sell our condo.  The never-ending cycle of figuring it out never ends, kids, and it’s fucking frustrating.

The hysteria that followed was not just about saying goodbye to our puppy baby visitor.  It was addressing the dreams that I have for our life, the dreams I’m working on and the dreams that are still a ways away. We are working towards things right now, biding our time, and it’s so fucking hard.

I cried it out and said all of this to my understanding and kind husband.  (Having a meltdown once in a while is normal, people.) I put my efforts into planning our trip to Europe and he started the process of putting our condo up for sale again.  I finished some more work on my album. Baby steps. (Oh, baby. Le sigh.) I looked at all we have and I became overwhelmed with how lucky I was.  I want more for us in the worst way because I want us to have everything.  In my quest to have it all, I never want to sacrifice what’s right now. I don’t want to rush the present to get to my future, even if the future seems more fulfilling. So for now I’m going to look at all the fun we’re having, ignoring the future.  I’m going to enjoy the in between. I’m going to plan what I can and not drive myself crazy.

This whole experience made me realize that it’s okay to feel this way. It also makes me look at the amazing man I married who listens as I go through every scenario life could throw at us.  Watching him with our puppy visitor made me fall in love with him all over again. He was so tender and sweet and excited and sexy. Damn sexy. It made me want his baby. It made me so excited to watch him become a father. It made me want to be a mother. It made me want all these things all over again for him and for us.

It’s good to want. It’s good to have goals. It’s not good to let it rule your life.