Tiny Humans

I got married less than two years ago.  I’m in my very early 30s. I don’t love my job, but I do it well and it pays the bills.  I’m a kick ass singer. I marry people. I have ten billion dreams for my life that I’m trying to make come true right now. I’m trying to stay focused. Eye on the prize! But you know what everyone asks me about? The tiny humans.

I cannot wait to have a tiny human aka a baby. I actually love the idea of a new little being changing my life day by day, taking everything i know and love about my life and turning it upside down. I actually look forward to it as scary as it is.A little piece of immortality makes us all realize just how crazy the idea of procreation is. How amazing that we can make life.  I love the idea of playing the genetic lottery to see who he or she looks like.  I love the idea of watching my husband become someone’s father. I love the idea of being a family. It’s something I look forward to every day. I know our life together will include children.

As an aunt to many, many ‘ittle ones, I see motherhood for the good, the bad, the messy, the gross, the divine, the hilarious, the scary, the life-changing and the ridiculous that it is. I’m no fool. No one knows what being a mother is until they are one, day in and day out.  Watching my best friends go through pregnancy and early motherhood woes might make me sympathetic and even more knowledgeable but until you’re up at night with a screaming baby with spit up on every article of clothing you own and then that baby rolls over and smiles and you cry…. I mean, I think that’s when you get it.  I know a lot about caring for kids but this does not equal instant mommy.  Motherhood is something you learn on the job and I am excited to clock in one day. To the moms who clock in for life, I salute you. (To my mommy, I love you!) From my seat, you have quite the career.

I do wonder if 50 years ago women worried the same way that I do today.  I worry about my kid having a peanut allergy or a genetic disorder.  I worry that weird chemicals and even the air is screwing up all of our bodies.  I worry that by the time I get around to having kids I might be too old. I worry about not being able to get pregnant at all.  It truly is a scary unknown; you can’t do a test run.  People say things like a woman’s body is built to have kids.  What if my body isn’t? That’s petrifying; you can see your future family hanging by a thread in the distance. Eek you just never know until you try. I know so many people who have struggled with this topic. Infertility, miscarriages or even being OVERLY fertile.  It is heartbreaking. It is brutal. Have these always been such popular issues or are these topics so prevalent because we now have social media and people are talking about it?

People go through so much to have families, emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. Everyone’s life and family are different and in this life, we have choices. There have been times when my female parts SCREAMED for a pudgy round baby, smelling of baby powder, but we live in a day and age where we can try to be ready. I don’t know if you can ever feel ready for a baby.  No matter what, it is a life-changing, earth-shattering bigness.  At this moment in time, I’m not there yet.  I love and want and ache for children BUT I’m not ready to love and want and ache more for a child than for me and Hubs.  I want to buy a house, fix it up and have pretty furniture. I want to think about us as a couple before I think of us as a family. It may sound selfish to some but why deny myself this choice? I’m gonna take it! I’m just not there yet, as much as I would like to be. I know I will be soon.  Hubs and I are someday soon going to have a baby or two and damn, are they going to be cute.

So in conclusion, I cannot wait to have a tiny human of my own. I rephrase. I can wait, but I’m really fucking excited about it.

This blog goes out to all the mommy warriors out there.

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